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Spanking: How (and How Not) to Spank

Bible-Based Guidelines for Christian Parents and Others

(c) 2002, 2005 Doug Britton (Permission granted to print for personal use)

The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother (Proverbs 29:15).

Spanking children: Introduction for parents

These guidelines are adapted from Successful Christian Parenting: Nurturing with Insight and Disciplining in Love.

Spanking (corporal punishment) is a biblical tool.

God ordained spanking as a means of discipline or correction. Here are some instructions about spanking from the Bible.

He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him (Proverbs 13:24).

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him (Proverbs 22:15).

Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die (Proverbs 23:13).

The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother (Proverbs 29:15).

Spanking has been misused by many Christians (as well as non-Christians), and sometimes constitutes child abuse. However, when used within a nurturing, loving home, spanking can have very positive results.

• When done well, spanking helps children grow in respect, obedience and self-control. It is not child abuse.
• When done poorly, spanking results in anger and bitterness. It can harm children emotionally and physically, and may be child abuse.

Stay balanced: Develop a positive, nurturing relationship.

The key to successful parenting is to build a strong relationship. Spanking should be a small part of your parenting. If your main parenting tool is spanking or other forms of punishment, you will fail!

Follow these important guidelines:

As you read the following, score yourself from 0 to 10 on each point.

• "0" means, "I really need to improve in this area."
• "10" means, "I am doing very well in this area."

• Enter your child's life. Do things with him or her. My score (0-10): _____
  
  
• Focus on the positive and build your child up. My score (0-10): _____

  Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen (Ephesians 4:29).

• Listen.. My score (0-10): _____

  He who answers before listening---that is his folly and his shame (Proverbs 18:13).
  
  My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry (James 1:19).

• Speak with love and respect My score (0-10): _____

  The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked (Proverbs 10:11).
  
  The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value (Proverbs 10:20).
  
  A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver (Proverbs 25:11).

• Do not spank in anger. My score (0-10): _____

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently (Galatians 6:1).

• Do not spank for all problems. It usually is best only to spank for willful disobedience. My score (0-10): _____
  
  
• Do not spank an infant. My score (0-10): _____
  
  
• Do not spank a child older than ten years of age. He or she would feel humiliated and resentful. My score (0-10): _____

Be comfortable with your role as an authority figure.

You are responsible to train your child.

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it (Proverbs 22:6).

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).

Teach your children Bible verses that tell them to:

Honor their parents.

Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you (Exodus 20:12).

Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you (Deuteronomy 5:16).

Honor your father and mother"---which is the first commandment with a promise---that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth (Ephesians 6:2-3).

Obey their parents.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right (Ephesians 6:1).

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord (Colossians 3:20).

He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect (1 Timothy 3:4).

Learn from their parents.

Listen, my sons, to a father's instruction; pay attention and gain understanding (Proverbs 4:1).

I give you sound learning, so do not forsake my teaching (Proverbs 4:2).

A wise son heeds his father's instruction, but a mocker does not listen to rebuke (Proverbs 13:1).

Ten steps in spanking and reconciliation

1. Prepare yourself spiritually and emotionally.

• See problems as growth opportunities.
• Chastise in love (Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21). Never spank in anger.
• Take "time-out" for yourself to cool off if you need to. Don't spank in anger or abuse your child.

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted (Galatians 6:1).

2. When deciding whether to spank, evaluate why your child misbehaves.
    Willful disobedience often is not the real issue. Other possibilities include:

• Poor hearing
• Disability or tiredness
• Stress from other problems
• Reactions to a harsh or controlling parent

3. Meet with your child in a private place.
     Do not embarrass him or her.

4. Have a two-way discussion.
     Do not give a speech!

• Give the emotional message of loving concern.
• Usually, do not ask, "Did you?" This sets the stage for lying.
• Help your child learn to accept responsibility for doing something wrong.
• Have your child think of and then discuss alternatives to the misbehavior.
• Do not overdo statements such as, "You really hurt God," or, "You really hurt me."
• If your child says that spanking is not justified, allow a brief discussion. There may be facts you should know. Listen carefully, then make up your mind.

5. Spank your child.

• Have a routine position for your child to assume.
• Spank your child’s seat. Never slap, hit, pinch, etc. other parts of his or her body.
• Allow your child to leave his or her underpants on. Do not humiliate him or her.
• Limit yourself to a few spanks. Make sure it stings, but do not be brutal or abuse your child. Test your spank on yourself.

6. Expect your child to respond appropriately.

• Train your child to say, "I'm sorry" and show repentance.
• Follow up if your child responds inappropriately. For example, have him or her sit on a timeout chair until he or she says, "I'm sorry" and shows repentance.

7. Pray with your child.
     Train your child to pray, out loud, following these steps:

• Tell God he or she is sorry for the specific misbehavior.
• Ask God for forgiveness.
• Ask for help to do better with this problem in the future.

     Then pray, yourself, for your child to do better and thank God for forgiving him or her.

8. Reconcile with your child..
     Say that you forgive and love him or her. Hug your child. 

9. Have your child practice restitution.
     This may mean apologizing to someone or doing a few extra chores to help pay for physical damages.

10. After the event, treat it as over.

Click below for more information about spanking.

•  Successful Christian Parenting: Nurturing with Insight and Disciplining in Love

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