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How Well Do You Serve Your Spouse?

Identify your spouse’s key desires and needs

Doug Britton, MFT

Page Summary
Summary: You may try hard to be the best husband or wife you can be, yet not understand what is really important to your spouse. By asking your spouse the questions in this serving questionnaire, you can find out what matters to him or her.

Seek to meet your spouse’s desires and needs

The Bible tells us to serve one another. After reading the following verses, read Philippians 2:1-21.

Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. (Matthew 20:26-28)

In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” (Acts 20:35)

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. (Philippians 2:5-7)

To have a great marriage, you must have the heart of a servant. To be a good servant, you need to know what is important to your husband or wife.

Related: Be an encourager.

Ask your spouse to fill out this questionnaire

Dear ______________________________ (your mate’s name),

Please help me understand what is important to you by filling this out.

  • Write a score of 0-10 on each item. “0” means this isn’t very important to you. “10” means this really matters to you.
  • Draw a smiley face beside the things you think I already do well.
  • Circle the three things you would most like me to work on.

Score (0-10)

____ Show more interest in Christian activities.

____ Pray with me regularly.

____ Spend more time with Christian friends.

____ Tell others, together, about Christ.

____ Speak courteously.

____ Speak quietly.

____ Be supportive when I make a mistake.

____ Criticize me less.

____ Praise me.

____ Express appreciation.

____ Show patience.

____ Express love.

____ Encourage me.

____ Trust me.

____ Demonstrate respect.

____ Let me talk with friends without interrupting.

____ Include me in conversations with friends.

____ Be on time.

____ Admit your faults and ask for forgiveness.

____ Forgive me when I do something wrong.

____ Spend more time with me.

____ Talk about important issues more often.

____ Tell the truth.

____ Share fears and hurts.

____ Listen to me.

____ Respond seriously to my concerns.

____ Make a budget.

____ Be financially responsible.

____ Spend less time watching TV.

____ Spend less time texting or talking on the phone.

____ Spend less time playing games on the computer or smartphone.

____ Touch and hug me non-sexually.

____ Be romantic (give love notes, flowers).

____ Do fun things with me.

____ Go on dates with me.

____ Dress up for dates.

____ Help with the children.

____ Do housework or other chores.

____ Do home repairs.

____ Work in the yard.

____ Cook delicious meals.

____ Decorate the house.

____ Help with shopping.

____ Support me when with family members.

____ Earn more money.

____ Be more responsive to my sexual advances.

____ Initiate making love.

____ Be more active when we make love.

____ Other (specify) __________________________________

____ Other (specify) __________________________________

____ Other (specify) __________________________________

Related: Eight keys to a great marriage

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About Doug Britton, MFT

Doug Britton, Bible-based Marriage and Family Therapist, has helped hundreds of thousands of people as a therapist, clinical director of a treatment center, seminar speaker, radio cohost, and author of over twenty books that show how to apply God's truths in your daily life. (Visit www.dougbrittonbooks.com.)

Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to print for personal use. (Scripture verses are from the New International Version, copyright © 1984.) See reprint policy.

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